Did I ever mention that I hate cider? Because I really fucking hate cider. As cheap as it is, I can never bring myself to drink it. It smells unsafe and tastes like apple juice where something has gone horribly long. Luckily I found an out-of-date can of Olde English cider in SuperValu’s booze bin which is sure to rekindle those delightful feelings of dry heaving and disgust.
Looks like piss, tastes like garbage.
Olde English usually costs £1.29 per can, but it was reduced in the booze bin to only 65p. It expired in September 2012 but I can’t see it making any difference. The can is 500ml and the cider is 4.5%. £1.29 seems quite expensive so I’m assuming Olde English is more of a premium cider, as least compared to the likes of White Lightning or Scrumpy Jack’s.
As I avoid cider at all costs, I don’t know anything about it. Olde English is a “Medium dry cider” which means nothing to me, unless it works similar to wine. The can also states that the cider is “MADE WITH ENGLISH APPLES” which I am assuming is just a marketing technique rather than non-English apples tasting different. It claims to be the gold standard in English cider, so I’m really excited about drinking this fecal, apple based swill.
Olde English pours a yellow/urine coloured drink. It looks like lager but is more intense. It isn’t as carbonated as lager either, so it looks quite unsettling. There is pretty much no head, although I don’t know if cider is meant to have a head. This cider doesn’t smell as bad as other ciders. It smells like some kind of fizzy apple drink, and while it isn’t pleasant, it isn’t a smell which makes me gag in disgust. Olde English does however, taste really bad. It has a flat, sharp taste and seems like it hasn’t finished turning into a proper drink. As a cider it amongst be better tasting drinks, but as a drink it isn’t something I would ever want to swallow again. You could achieve a similar taste by placing a diarrhoea tablet in some apple juice and sucking on an old copper coin while drinking it. The smell of cider soon began filling the room and I knew my small sips weren’t going to dispose of the drink fast enough. I then tried switching to large gulps but this made breathing difficult as each exhale would reinforce the rancid apple taste. Luckily I was able to keep fighting the good fight, and before long the evil liquid was defeated, never to return.
Olde English is one of the better ciders, but I still hate cider and this is no exception. The horrible apple taste makes it neither fun or easy to drink, and even at 65p a can it isn’t something I would want to drink again. Now it’s time to drink something tasty to wash away this horrible taste.
Booze Review rating: 2/10 deliciouses
